Time to get back to it…

It had been a while. I know. I could name a million different excuses, heaviest courseload yet, four year old that needs my attention, increasingly stressful work environment, or even rocky relationships that require attention. But the truth of the matter is that I haven’t prioritized the things that are most important to me. In our church small group last week we had discussed anger. Probably a very good topic for this point in my life. I struggle with anger in a way that I haven’t before. Part of it is my ever increasing road rage. I’m constantly rushing to the next activity, church, school, yoga, home, work, etc. Therefore I hate every car that gets in my way of me arriving on time or sooner. I realized that this is the American entitlement coming out. The very thing I hate in the world around me, I find that I myself possess. I feel entitled to have full reign of the roads. I feel entitled to not be inconvenienced in any way. I really hate that I possess that entitlement. I have also found that I have a shortness in dealing with co-workers, family, friends, and strangers. Things that used to not bother me, things I could just overlook with ease, now drive me crazy. I am short with people who are undeserving of the unkindness. Sometimes I find myself getting into fights that aren’t worth it. That I would otherwise dismiss. It seems I have all this anger and it needs a place to get out. This new anger just makes me really unhappy with myself.

This particular small group had a quote that made me realize what the main issue is for me and my anger. “If someone is looking for a fight, it is because they aren’t already in one.” My anger at the rest of the world is simply misdirected anger. My life should be a fight for something. I’m a passionate, energetic individual. If I spent that passion and energy on a fight that was a worthy cause, all the other little things wouldn’t get my attention. I would have no energy or anger to expend on the petty day to day items. However, right now it is the petty things that are getting my attention.

My sister, man I hate getting counseled by my little sis, told me about a Buddhist monk who in one of his books said that he was able to give to the poor and less fortunate unreservedly without ever feeling spent or overwhelmed because he as able to rely on the peace that was within him. This peace took years to acheive. So oftentimes as Americans we say you can’t give all you have, you have to look out for yourself. You have to put yourself first. I have always had an issue with this. I never found it Biblical. Isn’t most of what we are called to do is to give to others. I can’t seem to guiltlessly give to myself and put myself first. But maybe it is not about giving to yourself or putting your needs over others, maybe it is finding what fight is worthy to fight and focus your energy on that. And when you establish your purpose and you engage in that fight, the peace that you find within is what will energize you.

As I age, and hopefully mature, I find that the ability to priortize is one of the most important abilities you can possess. Maybe that monk had the ability to priortize and not waste unneccessary energy on the things that didn’t matter in his fight. I’ve not been very good at priortizing. I lost sight of my fight. I have so many things going on my life constantly, that I am in survival mode. I go from one activity to the other, complete whichever task is due next, and hope to God that I can get a moment of rest somewhere in there. I’m not giving my best to any area of my life, I’m just giving whatever I have left. Because of this relationships, school, church, work, and my causes suffer. Whatever is loudest in my life gets the most attention and sometimes that can be a relationship that isn’t deserving of the time and effort it requires or maybe it is a project at work that gets all my focus and it, in the large scheme of things, is undeserving. So my child who is just happy to get any part of Mommy he can get, gets the least of me because he is four and far more forgiving that an adult relationship or a communications paper. Priortizing is not easy. It requires the ability to say no. Something I have never been good at. It requires the ability to plan, another skill that has escaped my grasp. It requires establishing the true purpose of one’s life, even if only for the time being, and living your life based on that purpose.

I’ve gotten into yoga and paying more attention to what I put into my body. I’ve also focused on how my actions impact the planet and those around me. Trying to be more “green.” I’ve never been very environmentally focused. But I like the idea of intentional living. That is why yoga has caught my attention. It is so intentional. Focusing on your breathing, movements, and your body’s response to it, is very refreshing. I find myself far more aware in general because of the practice. When looking at a grocery store ad while shopping, I then return it to its carousal rather than take it home and just throw it away. Why should my laziness waste paper? Intentional living. Its something I am exploring becasue I feel that it will help with the practice of priortizing. Noting how and what you do affects those around you. Noting how my laziness in fixing dinner impacts my child’s health when I give him a hotdog and chips. Or even more so, how much I want to sit and read a book or watch a stupid tv show rather than engage in the development of this amazing kid who thinks I am “the best mama ever.”

So, I’m back to write on this blog to figure out what “fight” I decide to put my energy into. I need a fight. I don’t need to be constantly looking for fights just to expend some pent up anger. No, I need to figure out what is worth my time and energy and live intentionally based on that decision. Who knows what that will look like, but I’m anxious to find out. Maybe someone will stumble upon this blog and be interested in joining me on this journey.

2 thoughts on “Time to get back to it…

  1. well said! I dont neccassarly have much anger but I can tell you this describes so much of peoples lives, except they have not come to realize they have the power within them to take a deep breathe and decied for them selves what their lives should look like.

    For the most part I am pretty layed back however there have been times recently where I find my self wanting to spout out something un kind to the car that seems to be going too slow for me. I have been catching myself doing this and have thought ,”where is this coming from – this isnt you!’ Also noticed my eye has stated to twitch which it has done before in years past when Ive been super stressed. Only at this time Im wondering what has me stressed. The thing that has me stressed doesnt nessiassrily look like yours at first glance as our worlds look a lot different. However there is a common thread- the urgency thats deep within us to, do do do go go go . The is nothing that compares to the feeling and thats so refeshing to me then living a life of being intentional. I would say Ive done this is spurts and defiantly need to be more constiant. Tip #1 for me is not comparing my life to anyones elses. Though people may have similarities no ones life is to be like mine. No one else has my family, No one has my same passions, No one has my kids, No one has my same job, No one has my spouse , no one has my purpse – known to me or not, No one has my gifts, No one is like me. Wonderfully hand crafted to be like no one else for a purpose that is mine and can not be compared. For the most part I do not talk unless I have something worth speaking about. Unfortantly this can come off the wrong way sometimes, lol becasue then Im passionately engaged talking a mile a minute. I have many things that fire me up , things the propel me, thing that draw out my passion for justice and well living.

    I’m now excitedly pursuing a use to be mocked topic for my life, stating ” if someone else wants to homeschool my kids that’s great, but Im not doing it!” Now before you ask. Im taking it one year at a time. This was not my idea but God’s. After all who knows where our lives may take us , who am I to put a time frame on things. You can only imagine the process I went through to not only accepting his for my family but being excited. Im so excited about this not only for my children but my family in so many different ways. This is only one of the many new journey’s that we are embarking upon in our family. This is one of my areas that could look stressful but when you look at it from the stance of being intentional it actually empowers me. Empowers me in this area but flows over into every other area of my life. We will begin in Sept. until then I will be preparing and getting things in order.

    I think you said it great when you said, ” It requires establishing the true purpose of one’s life, even if only for the time being, and living your life based on that purpose.” Im excited to see where your energies are focused and what your purpose is for this time in your life. The misconspection that so many americans have is that if we do something then it means thats what we do forever and if we dont we are failure. Such a lie, We can be many things, do incredible things and succeed at them all even if it was only for a week.

  2. Someone much smarter than I said “It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles”. And I believe it’s by human nature sometimes, to realize that even in the midst of a “moment” a decision to “regroup” has made in order for us to be better instruments to ourselves and those around us. Practice makes better…….and you blessed if you ever realize perfection.

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